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| It has been forever.
I'm unemployed, deeply depressed but keeping it suppressed, and more misanthropic than ever.
Waiting on a phone call that probably isn't coming. Unable to sleep until it does.
I guess I deserve it.
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| I'm becoming something new. Something darker than before. And that scares me more than a little bit.
I spent some time looking over some of my old writing. Stuff from middle school and high school and the like. I concluded a few things - first and foremost being that I was sophomoric and immature. I sound a lot like Geoff in some of the poems and prose that I read. Idealistic, naive, and romantic. And completely oblivious to the way the world really operates. I was optimistic, too. Wonder what happened to that.
I also realized that I've been basing all my relationships with women off of the first one that really mattered to me - Marie. After reading a few notes that she had composed for me back in the day, I realized that much of what she said has never been repeated to me by anyone. Not even close. No one has been able to recreate that sense of necessity for me. Not Cyndi, not Colleen... I have never felt as needed as I did then. Perhaps that's why it hurt so much when Marie left so many years ago - I was no longer necessary. It would also explain why I haven't really felt much since then. At least not comparably.
I can't really describe how it's been. Everything I feel has been dulled. At least the good emotions, anyway. Happiness, humor... even color has been somewhat nullified. And then there's the whole misanthropy thing....
For the first time in a very long time, I found myself missing Marie. Not just in a sexual sense or in a "I haven't spoken to you in forever" sense, but in a sense that I forgot I was really capable of. Hard to believe that somewhere deep down inside I still love her. Hard to believe that I love anything anymore.
It's a bad time to be me. There is nothing but opportunity ahead of me, but with my luck that translates to nothing but failure ahead of me. People keep telling me that it will be okay, or that they know that I'll be alright. They really have no idea. I don't let most people get close enough to me for them to accurately assess whether or not I'm really going to be alright. And those who are close enough know damn well that it's not going to just take some time. It's going to take a dramatic change. It's going to take faith. Faith in me from others, and most importantly faith in myself. Hell... when is the last time I had faith in myself for anything?
Perhaps I'm selling myself short. Or perhaps I am the epitome of failure waiting to happen. It's a downward spiral. No one seems to see it. Either that or no one really cares about it. I didn't care when I was watching others fall. It wasn't my problem. I was just a stupid kid. I had no idea. I regret that now. I had no idea how hopeless, alone, and pointless this all was.
Ugh. I'm as good as gone. Don't wait up for me.
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| Real life sucks.
/fingerscrossed for rollback.
....please?
/sad
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| So I got to thinking. And that's never good, because it usually ends up with me being desensitized, detached, and emo. But yet, I do it far too often. I thought it might be fun, slightly educational, and perhaps even a bit self-revealing if I were to compile a list of psychological issues that I know for a fact that I have. I'm sure it'll be a wonderful project.
God Complex
Anyone who knows me knows this one well. I'm guessing it was spawned from my inability to control anything through the course of my life, and as a result I seek to exert control over everything.
Depression
Everyone gets depressed from time to time, but not everyone gets depressed for no apparent reason, and not as often as I do. I often catch myself unintentionally trying to drive myself further into depression, by isolating myself or remembering or reliving painful moments in my history. I have no idea why I do this.
Fear of Commitment (Sort Of)
It's not so much the fear of commitment as it is the second-guessing of the person. Even if the person has done nothing wrong and meshes with me well. I could easily fall into a serious relationship and probably preserve it until marriage, but the what-ifs and second-guessing of the significant other would plague me until the day I died.
Fear of Abandonment
At the same time, I am terrified to be alone. I mask it and I intentionally isolate myself, but the truth deep down is that I need people there for me. When it becomes apparent that they aren't going to be able to be there, I have a tendency to sever ties with them before they sever ties with me, thus lessening the shock.
Fear of Insects
Not as serious of an issue, but still vexes me on a daily basis. When I was a child, I was prescribed the wrong medication and had a serious allergic reaction, resulting in several hours of hallucinating that I was being attacked by insects. Consequently, all bugs give me the willies.
Fear of Pain
Physical, emotional, and mental. I think this applies to all human beings to some degree.
Relationship Paranoia
No matter how much I trust people, I always find myself questioning whether or not they have or will betray me. It has destroyed romantic relationships in the past, and it has kept me from being truly close to many of my friends.
I'm sure there are more, but that's enough for now. I'm a trainwreck, no surprises there. Maybe I'll add more another time.
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| Have you ever been sitting with three or four of your friends and realized that you would look amazing on a CD cover?
It happens to me a lot, although I don't always register that it is. Myself and three other friends are sitting at work between jobs, not doing anything particularly interesting, but the unplanned and informal natural poses we find ourselves in would lend themselves quite well to a candid photograph.
Just a random thought. Think about it the next time you see four people (or find yourself amongst four people) who all seem to be doing something completely different and random.
Right. Sleep.
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